Of people and situations…

Yesterday, as I was nurturing a lost newborn cat, I found out that the rashes my eldest were talking about and apparently, has been whining about, was in fact, chicken pox! I panicked! Why? Two things :  I haven’t had chicken pox and my youngest.. my dear sensitive one, is prone to these types of disease. He’s had Kawasaki Syndrome when he was only 2 months old. So, yes I panic!

Because of recent “changes” in our lives, we are left with practically ZERO balance. I only had a few pesos in my wallet, and the hubby had his almost non-existent salary (thanks to Bangko Sentral ng Pilipinas, he’s been there for 5 years and still in an agency). I was crying most of the time.  But I couldn’t let my kids catch me ’cause they too, will cry. If only we had savings.But this is where I will accept defeat. We have nothing for the rainy days.

I couldn’t ask my mom for money. Simple because she had none too. I can’t blame her either. I was part of the reason why. 😦 I owed her too much money. And she owed that from people and was charged on her card. Her being mother is like this : I will give it to you even if I don’t have it. And I can’t thank her enough.

It’s sad that when you’re having bad days, its really really bad. But this is the time when you see who truly cares. My husband’s family left him… for dead. Just because they didn’t want me. Which, by the way, I see no reason for. I have been good, civil and even respected them… until they disrespected me. That’s another story.

This morning, my grandma told me that she will be giving me money for our (house) rent and some extra for transportation. I am truly touched! I wanted to cry. My grandma has been soooo supportive and I feel really loved. I am soooooo grateful that I have this family. No money and no one could ever replace them.My kids are blessed that they have my family. My husband is, too.

Then the hubby had a heart-t-heart talk with me last night. He’s said things that somehow had me thinking of the way I’ve been acting lately. I was acting on pure emotions. And I let my emotions take the best of me. He assured me that he will always be beside me, no matter what. That he chose me and my kids over people who never really loved him. That these are all just trials and we will overcome them all. All, with the help of God.

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Fail…

I hate failing. I’ve always been competitive especially when it would prove my abilities.

Last week, the (ex) hubby and I got into a fight. A major one… after almost 3 years. We were on the brink of giving up. At least I was. I thought.

I’m not sure if its really because of love that asked to give us another chance. But we did and we vowed to end it if its not working. That we won’t even try to mend things. Some or most would say I’m stupid to let him go. He’s handsome, smart, tries to be as responsible as a father, and loves me. Now I don’t think the latter has any truth to it. It may be the false kind of love. Loving because of need. I’ve always thought that but I never wanted to confirm. I deserve more than that. I mean, after ALL I have gone through, I definitely deserve more than that.

Today, it was different. The (ex) husband left. For good. Back to his roots. Where he truly belongs. Where his heart is. And that just killed me.

But I had to let him go. To let him realize what he really needs, what he really wants, who he really loves. I had a sick idea that he was only with me because of the kids and his likeness for what’s ideal. I think that just proved me right. So what’s my say? Nothing. I’ve said all that I need to say. He just didn’t hear me. He didn’t listen. This is the time that even if you still love a person, letting go is the best decision you’ll make. Time to grow. Even when apart.

It’s just sad that there are certain factors that has left me bruised and he never said anything. I never heard him. And its one of the reasons why we had to do this. Its THE major reason. No third party, at least not romantically. But I would hate to see myself dealing with leftovers of his love and affection. He does not see me the way he sees them.

To my kids… Sorry. We still love you. We just decided to do it separately. We tried. We failed. Sorry.