News today…

Another bad news reached me today. Thanks to my Tita Baby, who works in the same company as the hubby. She said that my hubby will take a “vacation” every other 2 weeks from work. Simply because our dear new President has not given his signature for the new money. By the way, the hubby works in Central Bank, printing department to be exact. So yes, this saddens me as I have absolutely no work too. I chose not to work anymore a few weeks ago ’cause I’m having difficulty in my pregnancy. My work entails sitting in my desk for more than 8 hours at a time. Sometimes without break. And being in a yaya-less household, its really difficult when you have 2 kids roaming around the house, either shouting or crying or doing just about anything that would really test my patience.

Now, what do I do? Find another work? I don’t feel like it but what choice do I have? I’m down to my last few pesos and I know the hubby is too. We still have bills to pay and pending debts.

I’m starting to hate this. 😦

Another dilemma…

We had two of the “unexpected” visitors today. At least for me. And it was kind of refreshing to know that there are still those on the “other side” who still feel (somehow, at least) that I have been a good part of what was. That they did not judge merely because of what they were told. Well, maybe they did. But it didn’t show today.

One of the talks led to one of them asking me and the hubby if we were to consider a work abroad (for the hubby.. and then maybe later, for me). It was deja vu. We had this about 3-4 years ago. But it didn’t work for some reason. (Now I know that it was because Migsy was to arrive). This time, we are at our lowest and we need to take whatever there is to survive. Especially now that we have our little baby Three. But the same reason may as well be what would hinder us from saying yes.

The hubby and I have the same vision when it comes to our kids. It was always family first. What the kids need, we give. What’s better for us, we take. And now we face a new dilemma. If hubby were to accept this job, he would have a contract of at least 2 years. That would mean that when he comes home, Juju is 10, Migs is 5 and Three is 2. He would have lost precious time with the kids because he was working far from them. But if he didn’t take the opportunity, what do we have? A job which pays a minimal amount for him and an unstable industry for me. So what do we do? Really? I ask this because I don’t have the answer. Not now, and most probably not tomorrow. We need to make the decision until Wednesday morning.

I have another issue I’d hate to bring up. What happens to us? To me and the hubby? Would our relationship falter and would the distance bring us apart? This was a test that we never had the courage to take. We both were too scared of the answer, of the outcome. What if we’re not as strong as we seem to be? The what ifs.

I have no words tonight. Just mere shock. Maybe I would have to wait for tomorrow. It is, by all means, another day.

Some alone time…

So I’m alone again in the house.. except for the little one inside my tummy 🙂 Hubby and the 2 boys went to see their grandma. As much as I would not want them exposed to “some” people, I have learned to compromise. And the fact that I do love and respect my husband, I have to succumb to what fate has brought us. When they all grow up and have learned to understand, I will tell them the story and bravely let them know what I have gone through just to bring them up OUR way. I’m still deciding though on what age would be best. I’d rather not have them get all confused and rebellious during their teenage years, so its probably after that time. We’ll see how mature they get. And on what circumstance we are at that time. I may be sooo at peace with what I have and what I am, that I will soon forget. I hope so. I’d rather not bring this grudge to my grave. And I wouldn’t want to risk getting cancer just because of some non-important thing.

Oh well.. alone time gets me thinking. Don’t know if I like it or not.

Frustrations on a Friday morning…

Because of an impending deadline, I had to sleep at (almost) 4AM so I can at least rest for an hour before I wake up again and prep for my eldest son’s school. It turns out, I woke up at quarter to 7, and his school bus has almost arrived. So I had to wake him up, tell him to take a bath and ask him what he wants to do. If he can go to school by himself by walking or taking a tricycle… on his own. I asked because I can’t leave the house and accompany him. The second kid was sleeping and can’t be left alone. Next thing I know, the eldest said he didn’t want to go to school anymore! And it was his exam week!

Patience! Patience! Where are you???

Well, he ended up going to school really late. I went with him but only until the tricycle terminal.

And the my day goes on…. frustrations continue.

I am not fully healed…

I still think about certain happenings in my life that has resulted to what my family (me, hubby and kids) are experiencing right now. I mean, what could I have done better? I only wanted to help, and yet, I was the “villain” in the story.. well, at least for them.

There are days when I wished that I had the guts to say no right from the beginning. That I had the will and the strength to leave when I had the chance.But I don’t. I never did. Not even on the worse of worst days. I was always optimistic that we always will be together.

Now that I’m almost out of their lives (I say almost because I know I’ll always have that “bond”, being the hubby and my kids), I still wish I could’ve done things in a different way. I mean, I should’ve known it wouldn’t work with them, right? It was not in my personality to just nod and say yes just because they were older and they expected it from me. No! I have managed to work my ass off for my family. Not even my own parents had the say on what I want for my own family! So why should anyone else? Right? Not for them, NO!

Sigh…

And it was always about what and how they feel. Never about me. Not even my husbands, mind you. They were always closed to the fact that my hubby and I was not an option for any feelings, any emotions.

Just the other day, I saw the Facebook page of my hubby’s ex. The one they’ve always wanted. Maybe because I’m not as much as a “sucker” as she was. I just don’t believe that I need to be somebody else for people to like me, let alone people that I will deal with for the rest of my life. So I thought, if that girl became my hubby’s wife, would it have been better for him? for them? A question I’ve always asked. And maybe even to the point of getting envious. But I will NEVER change who I am. I am married to the hubby… and only to him. As long as he loves me and believes in me and wants me… NOTHING ELSE SHOULD MATTER.

4 hours MAX

That’s how long I sleep in a day. Except on those days when I get the privilege of having a good 8 hours of sleep. But normally, yes, its 4 hours maximum. What do I do? Well, if you don’t already know (from previous posts), I am a virtual assistant and my usual (and ONLY) clients are not local. They’re either in the US, UK or Australia. So my working time depends on their business hours.

A recent client was in the UK and required me to be online until 6PM his time.. which was about 1AM on mine. Of course, I won’t be sleeping at exactly 1AM, right? I had to do my usual night routine of (don’t laugh!) playing Bejeweled on my phone.. which by the way, lulls me to sleep. Then I wake up at 5AM to prepare my (eldest) kids things and food for school. We have a yaya-less household now. And although, this takes extra patience, I’d rather have no yayas for now. It’s a raising-up issue. Until my kids know the value of having no househelp, I will have no yaya, period! I mean… we get by. Yes, I may have 2 really patience-draining kids (and 1 more on its way), but other families have survived. Plus, the fact that we’re kinda low on the budget side, we really have to work it.

So there, my daily NORMAL sleeping hours. What about you?

Missing my Mom…

My mom’s still here. But she will be leaving in a little over a month for the States.

She has been planning this for quite some time now. And it hasn’t struck me as much as it does now, that she will be gone for a long time. The longest time she’s had. My only consolation is that I know she’d be better there.

I mean, I know there’s Facebook and YM and Skype and email. BUT, it will be different. For one, I know my Lola will be broken-hearted. Judging by the way she’s acting everytime we discuss my mom’s soon to be career in the US, she will always either be in a bad mood soonafter or just walk out on us. My mom’s definitely her favorite, whether she’d admit it or not. Ever since my mom was a kid, it was sooo hard for her to go out and meet friends. She’d go through a lot before they’d even allow her. And allow her for how long? Probably about 30minutes max! No kidding!

On me, I would miss going with her to the mall, would miss her fetching us to go to her place, would miss seeing her forever online on Facebook, and would miss just sleeping beside her. I’m not the usual affectionate and showy when it comes to my parents. I wasn’t raised that way. (PDA’s are reserved for the hubby *wink*) But I would miss holding her arms, definitely. If I was a millionaire, it would’ve been different. These are the times when I wished I finished my Nursing degree (I only had a sem left) so I could’ve provided for them. But my heart wasn’t in school at that time. I was focused on getting a job and earning my own money so I could provide for my kids (kid, that time).

So to my mom… I hope you find happiness wherever you’re going. Please don’t forget us. We will miss you. Thank you SOOOOOOOOOO much for everything you’ve done and given us.